A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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