That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
