so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
