i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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