I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
