If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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