I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
