Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
