I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
