I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
