Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
