Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
