Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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