Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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