apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
