I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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