I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
