gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
