Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
