Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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