Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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