woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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