He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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