ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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