Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
