at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
