I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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