cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Randomize
