also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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