"it" just moved
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Randomize
