Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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