he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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