So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
