I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
