you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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