My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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