I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Sober January is a disaster.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
