I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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