i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
