It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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