he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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