I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
