I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
