My boss' voice literally gives me gas
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
