if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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