she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
