put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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