Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
