No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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