Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
