Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
