i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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