Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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