I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Michael Bay diarrhea
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
