Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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