So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
