We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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