david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
