the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
