after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
