I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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